Well now fellers I got done huntin' early today and since my last post seemed to be well recieved I figgered I'd post todays story. So fill yer pipes and top off the coffe mugs and find a seat by the fire and lemme tell this while it's fresh in my mind. Got off work at 6a.m. this morn and scurried home and donned my hunting attire...checked the prime in Carol Anne and headed down yonder to the crick in search of the wary doe. It's Flintlock Season and I'm in high spirits..if a bit addlebrained from working all night. I've got a beautiful Dutch smoothbore cradled in my arms...a roundball in her .20ga. smooth bore and the sun is goin' to rise in about 30 minutes. Life is good! By the way..I assume most of ya'll know that raccoons ayre the #1 carrier of rabies in Pa.....ehhh? And that 9 out of 10 cases of rabies are related to coons....eh?? And I'm hunting/dangeling over a crick....inn'a treestand...in "coon-country." Okey-dokey..got that straightened out. Anyways....still dark...but I know this path as well as I know the back of my hand. No need fer lights..just waddle on down and climb the treestand and git comfy and wait fer the sunrise. I made the trip right to the top rung of the treestand.... without incident...and that's when the ++++ hit the fan! Ohhhhhh yes...more to come of course. Audie..the Oldfart..

 

Well now fellers I did mention the rabies problem wi' 'coons..right? And at some point I might have mentioned I do have "somewhat" of a fear of heights...and I've seen videos of what rabies does to a person. Correct? Convultions...dementia...drooling...violent muscle spasms..eventual violent death after several days/weeks of the above mentioned....an NO CURE once the symptoms begin to show. O.K.....just so's ya'll understand this is not just common paranoia. This is based in fact! Anyways...about the time I find the top rung I also find...a coon... (probably about 50lbs.....mebbe bigger...hard to tell at that point-in-time!)...suddenly awake as I reach my hand to grab the tether and strap myself in. We both ++++ (excavate our bowels...) a Blue Brick at...roughly the same time. He wants to leave..so do I. We have our differences about how to do it. I don't know if he has rabies...he probably has some doubts about my health as well. He growls and I scream like a little girl..but with a HELLUVA lot more volume! He raises his paws..and that's when the fight started! On my side..I had a $900 Dutch flintlock with a 42inch barrel...un-blemished up to that point! AND...I wasn't jumping 10ft. to the ground...possibly into the crick! If they's one thing I fear morn' coons and rabies..it's falling....or falling into a crick in Jan.!! It was a short but decisive fight. I used the gun like a sword....it took a helluva beating! At one point that coon was slidin' down the barrel and I figgered..."one of us has got to go!" I flicked that gun like a fly rod and off that pesky rascal flew into the crick! YEEHAAWW! I seen the splash...figgered the fight was over..and secured my seat in victory. Tethered mysef' to that tree and lit up a smoke..figgered I won! And then....I seen him swimming back! Audie..befuddled and perplexed..

 

Folks....I don't know how many of ya'll hunt. Nor do I know how many of ye hunt out of them ladder-style-treestands. Lemme put it into a proper perspective. A "ladder-style-tree-stand" is a ladder. Simple as that. It leans up agin' a tree and the top 2ft. of it bends 90 degrees and that is the seat. So..yer perched up into a tiny seat..the ladder leans agin' the tree...next to a crick. Got it so far? The seat is about 18in. wide X 20in. wide. I wear 42in. wide jeans..more 'er less....Depends ( ) on the season. And they ain't no room up here for a angry coon with revenge on his mind. Yup....I seen him comin'! Nope...probly didn't have rabies. I didn't care! He was cold, tired and wet....I was the source of his anger. He was comin' up and I was the one that pissed him off! More to come when time permits.....Audie..the Oldfart..

 

Well now fellers..there I was. Tethered to a tree hanging out o'er a crick..sweatin' bullets and my "cheeks" was clenched so tight I could'a cracked walnuts with my cheeks!! Not them thin-skinned English walnuts nither! I mean I could'a crushed black-walnuts to dust at this point!! It's still puddy dark..but I kin hear that coon splashin' and just make out his outline in the crick...till he hit the bank.... somewhere in the dark.... right at the base of my stand. Arrrghhh! My kingdom for a flashlight!! Anyways..I kept my ears peeled and by now my eyeballs are 'bout the size of basketballs and I'm leanin' out as far as I dare looking down that ladder. Then I heard fangernails scratchin' on the metal rungs and by damn that was all it took. I sucked in most of the free air in Greencastle and left out a scream such as no mere mortal man has bellowed in quite some time. I could see his beady eyes peering up at me and he bared his teeth just about the time I pulled the trigger on Carol Anne. BAAWHOOMMMM! More to come....Audie..the longwinded one..

 

Okey-dokey fellers..now lemme ask ya'll something. How many of ya'll have ever fired a gun in near total darkness? Hmmm? Yup..I know you've seen it in the movies...a little flash and a boom. Well that ain't how it really happens. What actually happens is a really LOUD boom...and then a HUMONGOUS flash of fire. And then yer totally blind for about 15 minutes. Can't see squat...nuthin'...not even yer own hands. So there I was....blind..nearly deef..sweatin' like a hog and holding an empty gun with a ravanous demon..possibly still right under me. Fortunatly the effort seemed to deter him from climbing any higher. I missed of course..shot one of the rungs off the treestand. Once my vision returned and the sun came up I wobbled back up to the house and decided to kill a beer instead of a deer. 'Nuff for one day. And that's the end of the story. YMHS...Audie..the Oldfart...

 

Audie, your stories are always very well written and personally I enjoy them.

I bet that in the future, you will be taking a flashlight with you so that you can see them 'demon' racoons.

 

Man Audie, first you have that buzzard in your sites with trusty ol Carol Anne (that would be very tasty on the smoker) and now a coon is starting a fight for hunting rights with you. I hope next time you don't become blinded by the light and carry a nice flashlight and a hammer! Good luck next time.
Oh, I hope Carol Anne is still good and straight!

 

ya know Audie, of all your ramblings, i think this one is a classic, and should grace the pages of american hunter magazine!!

 

Hmmm? Well now fellers ya'll got me to thinking. Mind ye..that's not always a good thing! Anyways...t'other day I called Joe...Soondg..and he and I talked a bit. (He seems like a helluva nice feller by the way.) Anyways...he mentioned something 'bout puttin' some of my yarns in one of them Read First columns in this website. Then things got a bit hairy. He told me to pick out the best of my stories and he'd post 'em under a Read First banner. Hmmm...?? Fellers...I don't have any idea what is "my best stories." I rekkin' I never thought of one bein' better than t'other. That's kind'a like comparin'....uhhh...girlfriends. Fact is...I cain't do it. These stories is just day-to-day occurances and what happens in my life. Factual to a point..with some....some...slight..eggs-ageration. Not a lie..but some (minor) expansion of the exack truth. (A yarn is based in fact...premised on truth..and "some small details expanded upon"...) Okey-dokey..with that bein' said mebbe someone other than me can conduct a poll. Pick out the best yarns and send an e-mail to Joe and ask them to be posted in that Read First thinga-ma-jiggy. I'll leave all the details up to you fellers. Personnally...I thought my best story was Raisin' Kids. JMHO of course...Audie..the Oldfart...

 

Aye OTN the first thing I'll tell ye is the fack that wild turkeys is damn near inedible. Yup...I know some folks say to do-this-an-do-that to make 'em tender. Hogwarsh. There's a reason why coyotes kill them birds and eat only a few bites out'a the breast and leave the rest fer the coons&possums!! If they is a tougher...drier..more tasteless critter....I ain't found it yet. I'd pick a road-kilt beaver o'er a wild turkey any day as fer a vittles goes. Them drum-sticks cain't be cooked tender even wi' a pressure-cooker! Deep-fry one and ye got a pan full'a gristle that even badgers wouldn't gnaw on in the dead of winter! Mind ye...I've boiled/broiled/sliced&diced 'em. I've made suschi and shisk-a-bobs out'a 'em. I've smoked 'em...slow-baked 'em...crock-potted 'em! I've potted 'em in a pressure-cooker until ye could slurp the bones up w' a straw they was so tender....still couldn't eat it. Like eatin' cardboard! Give me a fat rabbit 'er a squirrel any day. Wild turkey....PATOOIE! JMHO of course. Audie..the toothless Oldfart..

 

You heard him guys, pick some of your favorite yarns by Audie and let me know. When we get a little collection of them we'll put up a thread for him to put his stories in and invite others from FTE to partake in the fun we have reading his stuff. I'll start a thread asking for your favorites, all you have to do is post the thread you read and the post number if applicable.

 

come on Joe, you know damn well that is a no can do!!

there is only one way to safely do this. you got to put each and every one of them stories in there, otherwise it would be unfair to those less fortunate folks what missed one.

 

That is true Tom, even his introduction to the site is entertaining. The problem with including them all would mean more work for me. I'd have to read them all, then pick which to include and which to start off with. I figure it's better to let the members do it

 

I'll tell you - I've linked a couple of the 'ol fart's threads in our chapter and folks (myself included) can't get enough of them.

 

Steve, you can go to the thread in the chapter and post up your favorites also and anyone else who has read his stuff and want to include their favorites.